Release Me
by dailkamy
Summary: TROS spoiler Ben's thoughts after declaring himself as Ben Solo again.


Hi there!

This fic came into my mind while listening to a song about loving someone who is far to good for you, tried to make he TROS ending maybe a bit more transparent, at least it feels more clear to me after writing this fic!

I am not a native – I am sorry for any mistakes!

Would love some reviews, haven't written in a while :)

Enjoy! Ela xx

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_I may love you but I hate myself_. He couldn't allow himself to love her, he couldn't allow himself to crave for her, to want her close to him. In his wildest dreams he feels her body so tight against his that he can hear her heart beat. A few days ago he declared himself as Ben Solo again. The main reason weren't his parents – it was her. It always had been her. Many times before he denied their bond, he told Snoke he is going to kill her even though the thought of losing her would tear him apart and make him even messed up than he already is. He is going to stand her by in her final battle against Palpatine, he owes her that.

Ben ran his fingers through his hair and let out a desperate cry. _He could not allow himself to love her_. Rey's soul was so full of light, her intentions so pure good. He felt how hard it was for her to hurt or even kill someone, even if it was a stormtrooper who attacked her – her empathy was insane. For some messed up reason she cared for him – he felt it when she healed him, he did matter to her. For a moment his life felt less heavy knowing somebody is indeed there.

Each night the events of their fight come back to him in his sleep. _Rey was a true warrior and a natural with the force._ What took him years to master she accomplished in a short amount of time. Weak. He was so weak, so full of fear and desperation, so lonely and yet less lonely than before he met her. When they first touched the earth stopped turning for a second. The spark started at his fingertips and ignited his whole body with an _unfamiliar warmth_. Ben grew up in an unstable family but his mother cared deeply for him but the closure he felt towards his mother Leia was nothing compared to his feelings for the little girl from Jakku. A dirty scavenger, he thought. Prior to Snoke's death he himself called her that. Now he wants to jump at everyone's throat who calls her that. _Rey._ What a beautiful name that is. Suddenly he felt her pushing against his mind. A part of him craved seeing her even though he did not deserve it. One last time, he swore to himself as he let her in.

"_Ben_", Rey whispered. He could not see her surroundings very well but she was sitting in a small shat. "_It is good to see you are alright_", he pressed out nervously. Rey gave him a glance of appraisal. He looked different. His raven locks looked like that haven't been taken care of in weeks, his eyes looked tired, tired of life. She never saw Ben as lifeless. Rey didn't understand, he declared himself to the _light_, as part of something good but he seemed more suicidal than ever. "_Ben, come with me_", she said reaching out her hand towards him. He glanced at her full of admiration. She would never give up on him, she saw a _spark of light_ and it was enough for her to _hold on_. Why in the universe did she do that? How does a monster like him deserve the affection of a woman like her? "I can't", he answered trying not to look her in they eyes. Rey gave him a confused look. She felt his fear. His inner demons controlling his mind – it wasn't Snoke or the dark side, it was guilt.

Ben Solo wasn't a emotionless monster like Kylo Ren – he felt awful for all the things he had done. Killing his father, torturing he only person he ever cared for, making his mother sacrifice herself to bring him back to the light. He doesn't even want to know how many lives he took, how many family he has destroyed. A tear ran down his cheek burning hot against his visage. He felt Rey's finger brushing it away. "_It's fine_", she whispered. Ben carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, _he could not take it_ – he wasn't strong enough, _he wasn't her_. She tried to comfort him as good as she was able to, she didn't need to slip into his mind to witness how awful he was doing. He needed to be alone. Rey gave him a finally gentle stroke down his back before closing the bond.

Ben knew she had the compass and would start her journey to Exegol to kill her grandfather Palpatine. He took a deep breath before getting up from the corner of his bed. One last time he looked at his quarters. He had a vision regarding Rey's final fight against her grandfather, it would cost her life. He needed to prevent it, he must prevent it. He started his ship, preparing himself for his last flight. If there is one thing he new for sure than it was his love for Rey. Ben despised himself, he loved her but hated himself. Ben hated the thought of him in her beautiful life after the war, there was no place for him. This last time he will help her – it would be for him to find his inner peace, to finally forgive himself.

You win by saving what you love, not by fighting what you hate, he thought as he landed on Exegol, ready for his last encounter with the Dark Side, ready for his death.


End file.
